Firsts
This is the first time I have ever blogged, it took me 10 minutes to figure out how to start so please bare with me. There were many firsts this year, every holiday, every family member's birthday, every family gathering without our beloved Zac. It was my first time planning a funeral, designing a headstone, participating in therapy, read an autopsy, the first time being prescribed sleeping pills for insomnia and many more such firsts that no one would wish on their worst enemy.
Zac was an excellent baby (sorry Ry and Bret) and a very kind kid who wore his heart on his sleeve. He and Ry would pick on Bret and then he and Bret would pick on Kayli. He had study habits (I do not know where they came from) and graduated with a BA from the University of Iowa. In high school he played sports with honors, got good grades and was everyone's friend. He could be considered the all American kid. Unfortunately after a six year battle with bipolar disorder Zac decided to end his pain and suffering and took his own life on August 22, 2017. Zac was 26 years old.
That brings up another first in the year since Zac died - I started a Facebook page. My first entry was something I wrote eight hours after I held and rocked my son for the last time, running my figures though his hair, talking to him. With my tears dripping down on his face I told him how sorry I was that I could not make it better, I could not take away the pain and isolation he felt. I think they let me hold him for almost an hour. The first responders got me a sheet to wrapped him in so he would not be in the dirt and a pillow to lay his head. For most of that time my mild mannered husband Dennis was screaming at the deputies and first responders to cut down what remained of the rope tied around a rafter in our shed. His pain and anguish would not allow him to comprehend that they could not remove what remained of the rope until the county coroner authorized them to do so.
Although it took me a couple of days to figure out how start the Facebook page - Zac would find that funny... I can hear 'Oh Mom' with an eye roll- but I got it done. I knew Zac's struggle and through my job, I know the struggle of a couple of thousands of people who above anything do not want to have a mental illness. Let us face it - who wants to have ANY illness but most accept and seek treatment and the rest chose not to be treated. There is not another illness that has the negative stigma related to it that mental health does. The negative stigma increases denial (who wants to be the 'crazy' person), delays treatment and interferes with active participation in treatment. In my job, I can not count the hundreds of people who have said to me: I am a substance abuser but I am not mentally ill. Seriously, even among the taboo illnesses mental health is still on top as the worst?
We have read about residents in Clive who protested the stand alone mental health hospital to be located in their community (industrial zoning I believe). Would they have protested against a stand alone cancer center? I think not. Why did they think it was appropriate to locate a mental health hospital by the Polk County Jail? Would they have shared concern that one of the cancer patients may escape and reek havoc on their community? Is cancer, diabetes or any other medical condition treated as a criminal act or patients as inmates? I almost responded on one of the articles written in the Register. I started out by saying - you people and those like you are the reason my son is dead. Their attitudes place blame and fault on the individuals with mental illness. These are the reason why Zac and a number of others don't fully participate, or participate at all, in treatment as they have been taught to be ashamed and embarrassed by their illness.
We hope to be a leader in finding innovative programs that will assist our society to learn the truth about mental illness, decrease the negative stigma and support early intervention by breaking down barriers.
Kelly
Zac was an excellent baby (sorry Ry and Bret) and a very kind kid who wore his heart on his sleeve. He and Ry would pick on Bret and then he and Bret would pick on Kayli. He had study habits (I do not know where they came from) and graduated with a BA from the University of Iowa. In high school he played sports with honors, got good grades and was everyone's friend. He could be considered the all American kid. Unfortunately after a six year battle with bipolar disorder Zac decided to end his pain and suffering and took his own life on August 22, 2017. Zac was 26 years old.
That brings up another first in the year since Zac died - I started a Facebook page. My first entry was something I wrote eight hours after I held and rocked my son for the last time, running my figures though his hair, talking to him. With my tears dripping down on his face I told him how sorry I was that I could not make it better, I could not take away the pain and isolation he felt. I think they let me hold him for almost an hour. The first responders got me a sheet to wrapped him in so he would not be in the dirt and a pillow to lay his head. For most of that time my mild mannered husband Dennis was screaming at the deputies and first responders to cut down what remained of the rope tied around a rafter in our shed. His pain and anguish would not allow him to comprehend that they could not remove what remained of the rope until the county coroner authorized them to do so.
Although it took me a couple of days to figure out how start the Facebook page - Zac would find that funny... I can hear 'Oh Mom' with an eye roll- but I got it done. I knew Zac's struggle and through my job, I know the struggle of a couple of thousands of people who above anything do not want to have a mental illness. Let us face it - who wants to have ANY illness but most accept and seek treatment and the rest chose not to be treated. There is not another illness that has the negative stigma related to it that mental health does. The negative stigma increases denial (who wants to be the 'crazy' person), delays treatment and interferes with active participation in treatment. In my job, I can not count the hundreds of people who have said to me: I am a substance abuser but I am not mentally ill. Seriously, even among the taboo illnesses mental health is still on top as the worst?
We have read about residents in Clive who protested the stand alone mental health hospital to be located in their community (industrial zoning I believe). Would they have protested against a stand alone cancer center? I think not. Why did they think it was appropriate to locate a mental health hospital by the Polk County Jail? Would they have shared concern that one of the cancer patients may escape and reek havoc on their community? Is cancer, diabetes or any other medical condition treated as a criminal act or patients as inmates? I almost responded on one of the articles written in the Register. I started out by saying - you people and those like you are the reason my son is dead. Their attitudes place blame and fault on the individuals with mental illness. These are the reason why Zac and a number of others don't fully participate, or participate at all, in treatment as they have been taught to be ashamed and embarrassed by their illness.
We hope to be a leader in finding innovative programs that will assist our society to learn the truth about mental illness, decrease the negative stigma and support early intervention by breaking down barriers.
Kelly
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